


Ragged Rose

by humanoffandoms



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Asexuality, Bisexuality, F/M, Fluff, M/M, it's just kinda cute and kinda depressing yee, runaways - Freeform, small town AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-05-19 10:53:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14872409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanoffandoms/pseuds/humanoffandoms
Summary: Phil has a thought. Maybe we can have a say in what the future looks like if we change everything about the way we live.Dan has a habit. Maybe it's better to be without to be.Y'all have a ship. Two British boys falling in love and being in love so easily, so troubleless.Turns out nothing ever plays out the way we wished.





	1. Change

Phil:  
Outside my window stands a guy. It’s a handsome guy with dark hair wearing a colourful flannel. His muscles flex when he lifts a box, and every time he disappears into the red house, I wonder if he’ll come back out. His pants are way too big, but he looks sort of cute when he has to pull them up every ten seconds. The sun falls on his skin, making the sweat on his forehead sparkle. One time, I swear he looks up at the window I’m sitting in, but I don’t think he notices that I’m watching him.  
“Phil?”  
I scramble down from the windowsill to face my mum who has just entered my room. A smirk shows on her face when she notices my red cheeks, and she glances out the window to see what I was looking at.  
“He looks sweet!” she chirps, raising an eyebrow.  
“Muuum!” I complain, gently leading her away from the window in fear that the handsome guy will hear us.  
“Okay, I’m sorry,” she laughs, “come help me with the dough, I’m baking cookies.”  
“Uh, yum!” I say, my mind now completely focused on the fact that we are going to eat cookies in a bit.  
As we are rolling out the batter, my mum brings up the guy again:  
“We’re going to have a strapping neighbour, huh?”  
“Mum, would you just stop already?” I sigh though kind of enjoying it, “the chance of him being into guys is like one in a billion.”  
“I’m pretty sure it’s more than one in a billion men who are into other men, Philip,” she states, “you should go over there and ask for some eggs or something, maybe he’s the one to open the door.”  
I complain all the way out the door but have honestly nothing against the fact that I am perhaps going to meet the cutie.  
It appears that they’ve finished carrying in all of their stuff when I knock the door. My luck must be with me, I think when it is he who opens. Up close I can see that his eyes are almost black.  
“Hey!” I beam, “we just moved in that house there, and I couldn’t help but wonder if you’re new to this town as well?”  
The guy looks a little startled and I only just have time to worry before he relaxes and says, “yeah, we’re new here as well. I’m Louis, what’s your name?”  
“Phillip,” I answer and shake his hand that seems oddly cold, “I actually came here to borrow some eggs,” I add nervously.  
He nods understandingly and goes to the kitchen to grab some. I can hear he’s having a conversation with some woman who I assume is his mother. He returns a minute later with three eggs.  
“I just talked to my mum,” he says, “she’d like for you and whoever you moved to here with over for dinner tonight. How’s that sound?”  
—  
“Louis will be going to Melapples, how about Phillip?” Louis’ mum, Loretta, announces. My mouth is stuffed with mashed potato and my eyes are fixed on Louis, but I almost have a stroke. We are going to the same goddamned school.  
“Phillip as well,” my mum answers, “how will you get there?” she adds, addressing Louis.  
“I don’t know yet,” Louis mumbles into his plate, he seems almost embarrassed.  
“Yes, you do,” Loretta objects, “I’ll be driving him to school! There are no buses from out here to Melapples, it’s ridiculous.”  
“Oh, aren’t there?” my mum wonders out loud, “that’s unfortunate. Wait, I have an idea…”  
No no no no.  
“… What if we do a joint driving? I can drive you two to school half of the time, and Loretta can do it the other half?”  
I’m about to protest when Loretta expresses her joy, and so it’s decided. I am going to be driven to and from school with Louis-the-handsome-fella every single day. He sends me a shy look from across the table and my heart makes a little-excited jump. Even if he isn’t into boys, we can maybe establish a friendship. After all, romance isn’t everything and I could really use some friends in this town. We’ve just moved to Matlock from London, and I have basically no friends. I’ve drifted away from most of them when they found out I was gay. It’s not that they were exactly against it or found me disgusting, I think they just found it weird. Maybe my male friends thought I’d suddenly fall in love with them? No matter the reason it ended with me being both alone and lonely for the past half a year. But now we have moved and a new beginning is approaching.  
Dan:  
“Mirror, mirror on the wall,” Zuri says dramatically, facing the mirror, “who’s the sexiest of them all?”  
“I get the feeling you want me to say you,” I laugh, and when she nods, I add, “but I’m gonna have to say myself.”  
“Well,” she jokes, “You’re gonna have to prove that to me.”. I bend forward and kiss her as I have done so many times before, laughing as I have done so many times before.  
“Daniel!” my step mum, Caitlin, demands, entering my room. I go quiet, the joy-ish feeling disappearing quickly. “Haven’t you cleaned your room yet?”.  
“Sorry,” Zuri giggles, “I guess I… distracted him.”.  
Sometimes Zuri is bad at reading a situation, so when Caitlin asks her to leave our house immediately, I’m not surprised.  
“Don’t worry, I’ll do it now,” I roll my eyes at Caitlin’s back and go to clean my room. I also find some clean clothes for the next day and pack my bag. The rest of the evening goes by in sort of a blur: during dinner, Caitlin chatters about how much I have to work on my homework this year but I don’t listen, my dad asks if I want to watch some TV with them but as always, I say no. And suddenly it’s 11 PM and there are only 9 hours until a new school year is beginning.  
I can’t sleep, so instead, I reminisce about my entire existence and how the pressure and expectations from my step mum and dad are weighing me down and giving me anxiety. My mum died of a sickness when I was just one year old, and Caitlin had come around pretty quickly. She’s always been there to manipulate my father into thinking I’m unworthy of love and fatherly protection. For a long time, I’d managed to block her and her negativity out, but as I got older, it got harder. There were periods where I’d wondered why it was even worth proceeding. There were periods where I turned so cold, I couldn’t feel. Their words couldn’t get to me if I had no emotions. But it’s easier said than done, blocking everything out. No, the only thing that had really helped was when I met Zuri. She makes it all so easy and fun, and that’s why I like her. We’ve always been in class together, and I’d fallen for her as soon as I’d started caring about romance. She has big blue eyes, straight black hair, and a gorgeous smile. She almost always wears camo-pants and a light tee. She interrupts me whenever I want to vent about my emotional life, and she will kiss me just to shut me up. Yes, Zuri is always a temporary distraction from reality, but as soon as she is gone, the momentary good feelings are as well. Like she’s taken them with her as she left. I hate feeling like that, like I’m depending on her to feel good.  
As I lie there in the darkness of the night, staring out my window into the moonlit branches outside my window, I wonder… is it unfair of me to want someone who cares if I’m not okay, or is love meant to be a distraction?


	2. Panick Attack

Dan:  
The most horrible sound in the world is the sound of your phone going off in the morning. It’s the sound of another day beginning without you having disappeared into nothingness in your sleep. My pillow isn’t completely dry, and I wonder if I’ve cried myself to sleep. It seems unlikely since it’s something I haven’t done since before I met Zuri, but maybe my mind is subconsciously playing a trick on me.  
I yawn in the mirror and put on my tight, black jeans. Reaching for the straightener, a thought hits me. What if I don’t? What if I don’t straighten my hair? It’s sort of my signature thing in school, but what would happen if I don’t? It’s a tough decision to make. Don’t laugh, these things matter, okay? After seven minutes of staring at my reflection in the mirror, carefully inspecting every curl, I decide to let them be. Don’t I look sort of adorable? Just from the right angles, it might even suit me with my natural hair… And I’m not complaining about the extra twenty minutes of sleep I’ll now be able to get.  
I try to sneak into the kitchen and grab an apple for breakfast and then out of the house without Caitlin spotting me from the living room. Fortunately, and unexpectedly, it works.  
Maybe this year isn’t going to be so bad. I’ve changed something about my appearance, I’ve managed to leave the house without having to say good morning to anyone, and I’m seeing Zuri in a quarter of an hour. You’ve got this, Daniel.  
Luckily, I live close to the school, so I can just walk there. I study my black shoes becoming one with the grey pavement if I walk fast enough, and it’s strangely therapeutic. Music is playing loudly from my headphones, and though I might appear joyful on the outside, my music taste tells the truth. Melapples is a one-floored, greenish building, and just looking at it makes me sick a little in my mouth. Zuri and I usually meet outside of the building, and I wait for her today as well. While waiting I stare at the entrance. I think that maybe if I stare intensely enough, it’ll disappear. It doesn’t. Or maybe I just get distracted by the sound of a car driving into the school’s car park. It’s a used, black car that I don’t recognize, but it looks pleasingly edgy. Out steps a tall, muscular guy with dark eyes. He looks confident and sort of like a bully, but hey, I don’t judge on appearance. I turn away, losing interest, but just then a second boy steps out of the car. He doesn’t look nearly as confident, more innocent, in a way. With coal-coloured hair and eyes as bright as the morning sky, he almost looks like a prince from a wonderland in a time long forgotten. I catch his eye and feel heat rush to my cheeks as I realise I’ve been caught staring, but he sends me such a genuine smile I don’t feel shameful at all. The smile makes me suddenly wonder if I’ve seen him before, something about him strikes me as familiar.  
“Hey handsome,” I hear a voice whisper in my ear. I turn around only to be greeted by Zuri’s lips. Before I can even answer, she drags me into the school, into our lousy classroom, and onto our regular seats in the far end of the class. She starts talking about some local band she wants to join, but I only listen half-heartedly. To be completely honest, I don’t focus on reality again until the teacher steps inside with two guys right behind him. I recognise the boys as the ones in the car. Why were they being driven together? How do they know each other?  
“Good morning students,” Mr. Dodovan says, “this is Louis Howard and Phillip Lester, they’re your new classmates so greet them well!”  
They are asked to introduce themselves, and it’s hard for me to focus on a word Louis says when Phil, as his name apparently was, stands there and bathes the whole room with the shine of his subtle smile. But then he starts to speak, and suddenly my ears work wonders.  
“As said, my name is Philip Lester, but you can all just call me Phil, or whatever else you want to call me. I just moved here from London, so it’s sort of different to now be living in such a small town. I’ve been enjoying it so far though, it’s nice to be among some trees and some singing birds.” He beams widely, and I can’t help but beam right back even though his words aren’t directed at me. He catches my eye once again, and I feel a strange bubbly sensation that I’ve never experienced before.  
Phil:  
For some reason, I don’t find it very hard to face an entirely new class, filled with entirely new people. Maybe it’s having Louis by my side, or maybe it’s having been given a welcoming smile from a handsome boy. No matter what, it makes made me feel safer. Louis and I are now sitting on stools in the front row of the class while the students all take turns to say their names and one thing about themselves.  
“My name is Samantha, and I swim,” says a blond girl with big eyes.  
“My name is Derrek, and I don’t give a shit about this stupid school,” says a tired-looking fella, earning himself a stubborn look from Mr. Dodovan.  
“My name is Zuri, and I have a handsome boyfriend,” says a goth girl and points to the guy beside her. It’s the guy who smiled at me, and for some reason, my heart does a small and silly kick.  
“My name is Dan, and I err… I’m pretty tired right now,” he says, a somewhat sad smile dancing on his lips. Brown curls encircle his face, and I wish he’d smile again as he did this morning. It had made some adorable dimples show on his otherwise bony cheeks. Is he eating enough? It almost doesn’t look like it. Some other students introduce themselves, but my mind doesn’t register anything they’re saying.  
Mr. Dodovan starts talking about an essay we are going to write, and it suddenly hits me just how many assignments I am going to be writing in this ugly room. How many students there have been before me, how many students there are going to be after me. How many fights there have been in this very room, how many embraces, how many heartbreaks. How many beating hearts have been in this room, how many smiles, how many cries? Even in this small classroom, there have been a thousand different stories, so what about the whole world? How many people are out there? How many people are being killed right now? How many babies are being born right now? The sensation of someone pumping used air into my lungs hits me just before the room starts spinning. I clench the fabric of my shirt and try to channel all my focus on what Dodovan is saying, but I can’t. My heart is in my throat, and I’m sure my breathing can be heard on the other side of the globe.  
“Phil, are you alright?” Louis whispers with a worried frown.  
“Sure,” I breathe unconvincingly.  
As soon as the bell rings I escape the classroom and walk quickly to the toilet where I lock the door behind me. I slid down the wall and sit on the floor which is one of the only things that really steadies me in situations like this. I don’t know why I get these silly panic-attacks; I have no reason to. And thinking about how I have no reason to usually makes it worse. The walls are closing in, but just before they crush me to pieces I hear a knocking.  
“Can I come in?”  
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and get to my feet. With a still nervous heart, I fake a smile and unlock the door. My heart’s beating becomes dangerously quick when I notice that it’s Dan standing outside, wanting to come in. He looks almost as shocked as I feel which both calms and worries me even more.  
“Sorry,” I mumble trying to get past him, but by placing his hand on my chest he forces me to stand still. My skin is burning through the shirt where his hand just was.  
“What’s wrong?” he asks, looking concerned.  
“Nothing, I’m fine,” I lie, forcing my way out of the bathroom. I can feel his stare as I make my way down the corridor.  
I smile at Louis who’s chatting with some girls from our new class, but he already seems to have forgotten about me. No surprise there, I think, and settle down with my phone in the corner of the room.  
The rest of the day goes by in a haze and I can’t wait to get home and analyse what the hell just happened. One of the reasons I was looking forward to getting out of the big city was to maybe avoid the panic attacks. To avoid the sweaty hands, the beating heart, the teary eyes. To avoid the anxiety.


	3. Texting

Phil:

The first thing I do when I return home is take a nap, and it helps a lot. When I wake up I feel like the panic attack hasn't even happened, and as I breathe in the country-air I once again feel certain that moving here was the right decision. Something awaits me here, maybe it isn't the disappearing of all my fright and uncertainty, but life definitely has something ground-breakingly wonderful in store for me, here in Matlock.

I walk to the living room to find my mum in happy conversation with Louis.

"Hey!" I say, realising that I probably look horrible after my nap. "What are you doing here?"

"He came 10 minutes ago," my mum explains with a sudden frown, "he wanted to know if you're okay, said you seemed a little off on the drive home."

I can't help but smile. He's actually worried about me.

"I'm okay now," I assure them, "really!"

"Good," my mum says, believing me, "do you boys want some tea?"

"Yes, thank you, Mrs. Lester," Louis answers politely, and I nod before dumping down on the couch beside him.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Louis' voice drops when my mum has left the room, "or did you just say you were because your mum was here?"

"No," I say, "I wouldn't lie to her, she only wants what's best for me. I truly am okay."

"Really? You never lie to your mum?" He raises an eyebrow," that's sort of strange."

Hearing him say that makes me feel almost hurt, as if I'd said something wrong. It's silly, I know, he didn't mean anything bad by it. But some people have always made me feel misplaced by how much I actually love and appreciate my mum. It's not cool to not trust your parents if they want what's best for you.

We don't get to talk more about it before my mum comes with the tea, and after that, we just talk about unimportant stuff. He goes home after about half an hour, leaving me feeling odd. My heart is still sort of swollen because of the fact that he came here to check on me, but it's also feeling clenched uncomfortably by the way he'd made me feel in our conversation. But the feeling I have more than anything is excitement, and it takes me hours before I finally figure out why. I do so when I get a notification from Tumblr from a profile I don't recognise.

hey, is this you phil?

I frown, wondering who it could be. Depends on what Phil you mean

sry, should've been more specific. it's dan, from school? dunno if you remember me

I feel my heart begin to increase speed of beating, and my lungs can barely keep up.

In that case yeah, I'm Phil. How did you find my account? And why?

so sorry if you feel like i'm intruding!!!

I smile. No no dw

if i'm being honest i just wanted to make sure if you're okay

I clench my cheeks and smash the phone down my bed. This can't actually be happening. My face splits into a wide grin when I pick up the phone and realise it wasn't just my imagination. I am, thank you!

phew

What do I do? I don't know what to answer, so desperately I type:

You never answered how you found my account

I sound so cold, don't I? What if he feels awkward texting me? It's a joke, isn't it? He's probably with the whole class right now, laughing their asses off.

i thought i recognised you earlier, turns our we've been mutuals for a while lmao

No way!

I can't believe it! What are the odds? I let a hand run through my black hair and place my hands on my warm cheeks to cool them down. I check our chat just to be sure, and it says we've been mutuals for a little over three months. I wonder what kind of crazy things he's seen me reblog. If we're going to have an actual conversation going I can't be blushing, sweating and dying while doing so. When I've calmed myself down I continue the conversation, and I think we talk for a long time. We quickly agree that there's no need for small talk, and we dive into questions of the meaning of life, soulmates, fate, and all the other stuff that normally keeps us all up at night. It kept me up this night as it had done so many times before, but this time it felt like the answers were achievable. It's quite amazing how much of an emotional rollercoaster my first day on Melapples had been.

Dan:

I wake up to a dry pillow and the phone in my hand. Did I fall asleep while texting Phil? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I open Tumblr to see the last thing that'd happened, but then I remember. We'd talked about the fact that I often found it hard to sleep, and he had apologised for keeping me up. I had assured him that I would much rather talk to him than sleep, but he told me that I needed to be well rested. Then he had proceeded to send me texts that said goodnight until I'd agree to go to sleep. I guess I'd fallen asleep while looking at the many messages tick in.

I pull on my jeans, ruffle my curly hair, and give myself a confident smile. I can't remember the last time I woke up this happy. Jumping down the stairs I'm actually humming. Humming. I grab an apple, enter the living room and greet my dad and Caitlin good morning. Who am I?

I walk quickly to the school, my heart leading the way. The clock tells me that I've arrived 20 minutes before planned, but I barely have time to sigh before my phone buzzes. My heart makes an excited jump, but it's only Zuri.

Can you come a bit earlier? I want to talk to you before class.

Nothing can ruin my mood, so even though I'm slightly nervous I let her know that I'm already there. She stands before me in under five minutes later. I know that I should be more than slightly nervous when she rejects my hug.

"What's the matter? Are you alright?" I ask, the tiniest bit of happiness still floating in my stomach. I refuse to let it go.

"We need to talk," Zuri says with a small voice and thoughtful eyes, and drags me behind the school. She shuffles her feet and fiddle with her zipper but doesn't seem like she'll start talking any time soon.

"What is it, Zuri?" I ask, actual worry filling me up, "do you need help? Is something wrong at home? Are you in trouble?"

"Big time," she mumbles, "but Dan, you're not going to like it."

"I promise you it'll be fine!" I assure her, "just tell me."

"I did something..." she begins, "I..."

"You did what?" I squeeze her hand, "I promise, you can trust me!"

"I had sex with Tom," she exclaims, "I had sex with Tom last night, at his place. He asked me to help him clean his basement for toys. I should have said no to help him. I wish I had, okay? I really do! I just..."

My head is turned and I've let go of her hand.

"... I just thought you should know, "she finishes in a whisper.

I don't yell, I don't protest, I don't run. I simply turn around and walk into the school and into our class. I pull out a book from my bag and open it on a random page. My eyes are just focused on a single letter and my face is expressionless. I don't know if this is how you're supposed to react when you're told that your long-term girlfriend has cheated on you – hell, I don't even know if this is how I truly wanted to react. My eyes and mouth are dry, should I be crying?

I hear the door open and expect it to be Zuri, but it's Phil and Louis who've entered the class. It's funny how this moment was why I'd been so happy all morning, and now where Phil was standing in front of me I couldn't let myself feel the joy. Apparently, the news of Zuri's cheating had turned off all of my emotions, not just the ones that made me feel disappointment and loneliness.

"Hey, Dan!" Phil beams and Louis scowls but nods my way. I don't nod back nor answer, I simply stare at them with empty eyes, which they're probably finding extremely strange. The door opens again and this time it is Zuri who has tears streaming down her face.

"Dan! Don't just walk off, I'm so--" she yells but stops when she notices that we're not alone.

I don't answer her either, but now my blank stare has moved from Phil's blue eyes to her sad face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that Phil looks hurt and I suddenly want to kick myself hard in the face. I made him feel that way. Fuck me.

I do the only reasonable thing: I ignore Zuri's pleading looks and pull out my phone to send Phil a secret message.

so sorry, i guess i'm a little off today. goodmorning!!!!!

I see him smile at his crotch where I guess his phone is lying. Seeing him smile instantly makes the emotions return to me.


	4. Strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is awful, sorry

Dan:

How easy it was for me to ignore Zuri's stares and apologies is actually starting to scare me. I guess I haven't really processed what has happened, that's how unexpected it was. And sure, I probably should "be considering her feelings" and "not leave her waiting for forgiveness", but to be honest I couldn't care less if she is miserable. I couldn't care less if I am miserable.

I don't talk much for the rest of the day, not even to Phil. It's somehow completely different to see him in school than it was to have been talking to him via texts, but it's not awkward. It's not even uncomfortable. No, it just feels like this is where our friendship is meant to be at this point. So strange how someone can enter your life and make you feel like you've known them forever.

The bell rings telling me that the day has ended and I can go home, but just before I reach the door I feel a small hand grabbing my wrist.

"Dan, please!" Zuri begs, "you've got to talk to me!"

I don't even know if I'm about to answer or not, but no matter what my plan was, I don't get to do it. A yell interrupts us.

"Hey, Danny-boy!" Kenneth, an ugly-ass bully from the year above me, yells, "the only reason you'd be dating a girl with such small tits is if you're a fag!". His gang of buffoons and bimbos snigger. I simply roll my eyes, but stop as I notice I'm doing it synchronically with Zuri.

"Maybe he's both!" Dennis, a skinny, blond guy, suggests with a grin.

I try to stop myself, I really do. But this opportunity is too good. "Both what?" I yell back.

"Both straight and fag!" he clarifies as if I'm the dumbest person alive.

"I'm pretty sure there's a word for that!" I smirk back, "it's bisexual, and that's exactly what I am!"

That closes their mouths, but the triumphant feeling only lasts for a minute before reality hits me again, and I see new tears have formed in Zuri's eyes. Despite what she's done, I can't help but feel a pang of guilt for not listening to her.

"Zuri, listen," I lower my voice so only she can hear, "what you did was not at all fair, but it's also not the end of the world. I can work through it, you can work through it, but we can't work through it as a whole. We don't function as a whole."

She looks almost relieved which I find rather rude, but I let her be and continue out of the school. I walk home with a strange, liberate feeling in my chest. Probably not the one you're supposed to feel after you just dumped your cheating girlfriend, but hey, when have I ever been doing what one is supposed to?

I open the door to my house and let out an empty sigh when I notice that I'm home alone. Listening to the silence makes the feelings crawl back to me in a much sadder way than when Phil smiled. This is not my home. This is the echo of a house where a happy family lived a long time ago. There are unwashed dishes, dusty porcelain figurines, empty beer cans, and a scent of fragrant that makes me nauseous. This isn't right. This isn't right. This isn't right. My mum is supposed to be here, happy and alive. Her paintings are supposed to lighten up the walls. Caitlin is supposed to never have entered my life. My dad is supposed to embarrass me in front of people I find cute, he's supposed to joke with me, he's supposed to love my mum. He's supposed to love me.

But none of that has ever been real and none of it will ever be. I'm here, pathetic and alone, and nothing will ever be okay. Maybe it's just my fault for being a failure. Maybe my mum wouldn't have died if I was never born. Maybe my dad would have been happier without me. Maybe boys like Phil could actually fall for me if I weren't the way I was. Maybe girls like Zuri wouldn't cheat if boys like me could manage to be enough. I dial the number on my phone quicker than I thought possible.

One beep. Two beeps. Three beeps. Voicemail. Fuck.

Violently I fling my phone to the other side of the hallway where I'm still standing. I hear the screen shatter, and I do the only thing that keeps me from screaming. My hand starts bleeding after the seventh time of punching the wall, but I deserve it. I deserve every bit of red that streams from the veins in my dirty hands. Why did I say we don't funtion as a whole? Why did I make her feel as though I don't need her? I do. I do need her. I do need someone. I suddenly hear a ding! from where the shattered phone lies, and I make my way to it, praying it's Zuri who's texting me back. Forgiving me for letting her go. Welcoming me back with open arms. But it's someone entirely different.

Hey Dan, are you alright? I'm sorry to bother you, but what happened earlier? I don't know if this sharing-so-much-thing last night was a onetime thing, but if not I just wanted to know if you're okay. You said you were a little off today, can I help?

The feeling is back. The feeling is back. I consider how much to share when another message ticks in.

Am I being weird? Sorry for the long message. Maybe it's none of my business, in that case, you don't have to even answer. Sorry!!

don't apologise for being kind, is the only thing that comes to mind, so that's what I type.

But then just after, i'm not okay, no, but it's not something i'll bother you with. i'm probs just being a whiney ass

The next message sets my heart on fire: Do you want me to come and help you or something? Where do you live?

Phil:

What did I just do? Did I actually just offer to visit him? What is wrong with me? He must think I'm out of my mind.

my step mum's a monster, but if you're being serious we could meet at the school's playground?

What is going on? I've just arrived home, said goodbye to Louis who seemed like he was about to ask me something but didn't know how. My mum isn't home and won't be for the next few hours, and my mind has been on Dan the entire day. I wondered if he's okay, and now that I know he's not I just have to do something to fix it. Holy crap, I've known this guy for less than 48 hours and I'd already drop everything I have to make him feel better. What is going on?

We agree to meet at the playground in twenty minutes but then a thought hits me. How in god's name am I going to get there? My mum isn't home, there are no busses, and I don't have a bike.

Could I ask Louis or his mum if they have a bike? How could I do that without getting questioning looks? Screw it. I have to get to Dan somehow.

The decision in mind, I make my way to the Howard's residence. It's Louis who opens, to my great frustration.

"Hey Phil!" he smiles making me instantly regret being frustrated with him. He is adorable.

"I was wondering if you or your mum has a bike I can borrow?" I ask straight away with no time to waste.

"Oh," he looks almost disappointed, instantly making me sorry, "yeah. There's one in the garage, I can help you find it."

It's a rusty old bike, and it's clear it hasn't been used for a long time, but I take what I can get. I'm just relieved that I have a way to get to Dan.

"Thank you so much!" I hug him as a thank you. My heart makes a jump when I feel him hold me tighter when I try to break up the hug. He smells of liquorice, and I suddenly just want to stay here.

"Phil," he says after at least five seconds of holding me tight, "are you... you know..."

"What?" I frown, "hungry? Always. Handsome? Indeed. Funny? This speaks for itself"

"No, I mean..." he mutters, looking to the ground, "are you gay?"

"Oh," I breath, already feeling the ending of our friendship crawling closer, "yeah, I am."

"Cool, okay," I can hear the heartbeat in his voice, "bye."

He walks to the house with fast steps, leaving me to wonder what the hell that was about.

Dan. The thought hits me, and without further ado, I jump on the bike and cycle as quickly as humanly possible. There's no doubt I'll be a little late, but hey, at least I'll be there.

"Hey!" I yell when I see him sitting by himself on a bench. He smiles when he sees me, but the glow doesn't reach his eyes. There is an awkward moment where I don't know if I should hug him, so I choose not to, just to be safe. My friendship with Louis has surely already dropped in quality, I can't let the same thing happen to the one with Dan.

"Nice bike," he says sarcastically when I've sat down next to him.

"It's Louis'," I explain with a sudden knot in my throat. This is the first time alone with Dan and I don't know how to function.

"This is sort of strange, isn't it?" I say, instantly regretting it as he looks hurt.

"What do you mean?" he asks, turning to face me.

"How I don't know your parents' names, but I know that you don't believe in the afterlife. I know that you cried yourself to sleep two nights ago, but I don't know your favourite colour," I smile sadly as I talk and I can almost see his brain working behind his eyes, "why do you trust me?"

"Is that what that is?" he asks, suddenly looking confused, "telling someone those things? Is that trust?"

I nod, confused, "you didn't know?"

"I've never trusted before."


	5. Fish 'N Chips

Phil:  
We've gone over the basics of how miserable he's been for such a long time, and I try to comfort him, which is difficult when he's hurt to infinity. Tears leave trails on his cheeks telling tales of how he is in no way okay. I don't know how to make him feel better, all I can do is listen. It seems to me that these are things that have been lurking under the surface for centuries, and that gives our quickly developed friendship sense. He's been looking for someone to listen, and no way am I going to be anything but that guy who's there for him. He's reached the point of telling me about his relationship with Zuri, how he thought she equalled happiness.

"She always found a way to distract me," he explained with a croaky voice, "if not with jokes, then with sex. And isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be? A distraction from the harsh reality of life?"

"No!" I interrupt him for the first time.

"What is it then?" he asks with big eyes, looking startled. Oh, how I wish I could give him the answer.

"It's not supposed to be a distraction from reality. It's supposed to become the reality. It's supposed to fill you up with so much overshadowing joy that the rest becomes what doesn't matter. The love you have for that person is supposed to make you feel like you can handle anything with them, also when they're not around."

He doesn't answer, he simply looks down, and I realise that my hand is on his leg. I stare at him, trying to force him to look at me using only my thoughts.

"What happened today that has made you doubt everything so much?" I ask, lowering my voice. Something wet hits my forehead and I look up at the sky. I'm met with grey clouds and heavy raindrops, and when I look down at Dan again I see his face has split into a wide grin. I'm happily confused when he stands up, takes my hands, and drags me with him in a run. Letting go of my hand, he runs to the swing set, he crawls up the climbing frame from which he jumps down and lands on his knees. It looks like it hurt, but he gets up and runs some more, all while smiling. The warm summer rain washes away every doubt I had of finding happiness in this town as I look at Dan, running around like a cheerful child. His black t-shirt is soaked and clambered to his bony body, and without even knowing it I feel my feet joining in. Before I know it we're jumping in puddles, going down slides, laughing in the rain. Brown, happy eyes become my favourite melody, and soaked curls the most beautiful painting.

But the more Dan jumps around, the more the clothes stick to his body, the clearer it comes to me that he isn't eating enough. His ribs are showing even through the clothes, and I'm suddenly filled with worry he might be freezing. So fragile he looks, like glass that can shatter at any moment.

"Dan!" I yell, not able to stop myself, "come with me!". He stops and looks at me, truly smiling, before running back to me.

"Are you hungry?" I ask as freely as possible. Please don't make this difficult, I think, please just say yes so I can take care of you.

"Why?" he asks, looking on guard.

"Well, I'm hungry, so I was wondering if you wanted to go get some chips or something?" I chirp, trying to make the conversation as light as possible.

"Sure," he looks suspicious and I can't help but blame myself for making his smile go away.

Dan:

The rain speaks to me, as cliché as that sounds. Stormy clouds, thunder, heavy rain, I like it all. It makes the storm inside me seem more affordable. I've known Phil for two days, and he has already made me feel safer than three years with Zuri has.

Now we're sitting at a fish 'n ships restaurant where I've only ever been once. The greasy smell always makes me lose appetite.

"Two large fish 'n chips!" he orders happily to the small waitress.

"Phil, I can't eat so much," I mutter, not really wanting to eat anything.

"Two large fish 'n chips!" he repeats firmly, making the waitress giggle. Fuck. Even she finds him attractive, doesn't she?

"Phil!" I protest, but it's no use. We wait for the food in silence, the jolly feeling gone and forgotten. I try to smile for Phil, he seems so happy, but he sees right through me. He knows I'm not okay.

"Wanna go to the bathroom and get dryer?" he asks, gently letting his hand touch my soaked curls. I hadn't even realised we were still wet.

My heart beats both slow and fast when we reach the bathroom. I'm in a small room alone with Phil, whom I can trust and laugh with. But I'm trapped in a room with Phil, who deserves someone happier than I. He deserves someone who can offer him a kind of fun that I have not to offer.

Paper towel after paper towel is being wrapped around my hair, and as he muffles it I can't suppress a smile.

"Fuck, Phil," I suddenly exclaim, "what time is it?"

He checks his phone, "it's 17.46, why?"

"Shit, I have to be home by 18.15 or Caitlin will straight up murder me!" I panic, thinking of why the fuck she wants to control where I am so bad when she doesn't even like me.

"Can't you just say you're eating out or something?" Phil innocently asks. I shake my head.

"How far away do you live?" he frowns.

"15 minutes walk or so," I answer with a shrug, "I don't really have time to eat, I think."

"15 minutes walk equals 5 minutes on a bike," he informs me with a smirk, "I'll drive you, you just have to promise me to eat something beforehand, okay?"

I nod reluctantly, feeling my heart grow with fondness. He reaches out and brushes a strand of hair out of my eye before looking away, the red spreading from his cheeks.

"The food's probably come," he mentions and leaves the bathroom with me right behind him. I think I'll go crazy if he doesn't hug me when we part today.

On the table stand two dishes of fish 'n chips, and I feel my stomach both welcoming it and protesting wildly.

"Yum!" Phil says and is already eating a chip before we've even settled down. Imagine having that kind of appetite, no wonder he looks so healthy.

"Eat some," he orders friendly but I just shrug. It's not that I don't want to eat, okay? I know it's necessary and healthy and all, but... I just... prefer not to. When I've eaten I always worry, did I eat too much? What about those who don't get to eat, would they have had food if I hadn't eaten? Did I eat something unhealthy? Was it poisoned?

If I don't eat I don't have to worry about these things, and that's just what I prefer.

"Dan," Phil suddenly sounds all serious again, "why aren't you eating?"

I shrug again, feeling uncomfortable. Outside of the window, I see that it's still raining. What I wouldn't do to escape into those raindrops. Drip, drip, drip. Something pokes my cheek, and when I turn around I'm met by a chip in Phil's hand. The snort escapes my mouth before I can stop it.

"There's no need to feed me, Phil!" I protest in amusement.

"Well, you don't feed yourself, now do you?" he says without lowering his hand. I sigh in defeat and take a small bite of the chip he's holding up. I wonder how this must look for anyone else in the restaurant.

"Good boy!" he applauds me and feeds me another one.

The next twenty minutes go by with laughter, and the worries all out. I must admit, it feels good when you're finally eating. Phil makes it feel okay to eat. When it's almost ten minutes past six, he again offers to drive me, and I give him a thankful yes. I jump on the back of the bike, and with a heart that almost escapes my throat, I wrap my arms around his body to steady mine. I feel him tense right after I do so, but he quickly relaxes, and so we're on our way. He was right, it really did only take 5 minutes, and the ride was over much too quickly. I wouldn't mind time to stop with my arms around his warm body.

"Thank you, Phil!" I say when I've jumped off.

"Of course," he smiles, "we can't have this Caitlin murder you, can we?"

"Not just for the ride," I say with my heart in my chest, "for everything you did for me today."

"Anytime, Daniel," his eyes are serious, but beautifully lighting up the entire street, "anytime! And hey, if you're in trouble at home, you can just call me, and I'll do anything I can to help you, okay?"

Gratefully, I nod, desperate to get into my house. I feel the tears coming, and I don't want him to see me cry for the second time that day. He lingers for a moment, and almost as if was our minds connected, we reach out to each other simultaneously. He hugs me tightly, and my idea of the perfect moment changes from me on the back of his bike, to me wrapped in his arms. Fuck, what is he doing to me?

I turn around, my eyes are glass and my legs are wobbly. I hear the rusty bike drive away, and I'm left alone with my dad and step mum. Except I'm not alone. He's here, isn't he? Isn't that what all that stuff he told me meant? He'll be here, as a friend, to care for me, for me to trust, even when he isn't here in person.

The blue in his eyes is the last thing I see before I fall asleep.


	6. Punch

Phil:

The last three weeks have been the most confusing ones I’ve ever been through. Dan seemed joyful the day after we hung out, but the day after that he was suspiciously quiet. The third day I saw he had a bruise on his cheek, but when I asked him about it he said he had to go. I tried sending him a message asking if he was okay, but I got no answer. The last week I’ve been giving him some space, hoping he’d come talking to me whenever he’s ready. While all of this was happening, the whole class acted strangely towards me as well. Some of the girls came over to hug me and tell me that they accepted me for who I am no matter what the parents said. Louis has been ignoring me every day, even when in the car to and from school. I’m not really surprised though; it’s not like I’m not used to people ignoring me after they find out I’m gay. No, instead of hanging out with me, he now hangs out with some older boys named Kenneth and Dennis. I can deal with it all except the thing with Dan, which is the one thing I really don’t understand. What did I do? And what is this thing with “the parents” that everyone keeps talking about? I’ve considered asking my mum if she knows anything, but it’d just worry her, and she has enough on her plate.

We’re almost a month into the school year, and I’m already the outcast who sits alone at lunch. The thing that makes it hurt is seeing Dan alone as well, and knowing if I try to talk to him he’ll just walk away.

The third weekend came and left, and suddenly it’s the fourth Monday on Melapples.

“Have a good day, Phil!” My mum orders as I make my way out the door, heading for Loretta’s car. I enter it, and to my surprise, Louis gives me a smile.

I dare greet him good morning, and he politely answers. Probably because his mum is sitting right in front of us. When we’re halfway to the school, my phone buzzes in my pocket and I swear my heart skips a beat. I haven’t gotten a text message since I last talked to Dan. On the display is Louis’ name, and I can’t help but turn my head to look at him, but he’s looking out the window. He must have typed it while I looked away.

Look out today, try not to be by yourself too much

I frown and say aloud, “what do you mean?”

“Are you saying anything, dear?” Loretta asks and catches my eye in the mirror.

“No, sorry”, I say.

What do you mean? I type instead, but Louis doesn’t even look at the phone even though we both hear it buzzing in his lap.

The car stops, we walk out, and I register nothing until we’re inside the class where I spot Dan. My stomach flips when I see he has a black eye. I try to get his attention using only my thoughts, but his eyes are unfocused and in the opposite direction as if he’s lost in thought.

The teacher enters the room, rambles, and leaves without having taught me anything. I have to get Dan talking, I have to know what has happened. I need some answers. But before I can get to him he is halfway out the door. I follow him out and run a few steps, but he’s already out of sight. Where did he go? And just like that, I’m standing in an empty corridor, all by myself. It’s midday, the sun shines through the windows, but I feel my stomach drop. What was the warning I was given earlier about? What is going on?

I have to get inside the classroom right now. I try to move my feet, but I find it difficult. My hands are shaking, and my legs feel like pudding. Crap, it’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. Why now?

I finally get my body turned, but I’m met by two smirking faces. It’s the guys Louis has been hanging around.

“Well, well,” the biggest one, Kenneth, snickers, “look who we have here.”

“I was just…” I begin, finally getting my feet to move. I can see the door to the classroom right behind them. Oh, how I wish someone would come out. I almost think I’ve made it past them, but Kenneth holds out his arm and stops me. I feel weak. Pathetic.

“If it isn’t the faggot, Philip Lester”, the biggest one taunts again and rolls up his sleeve. Dennis does the same. The fist hits my cheek before I register what is happening. I feel my body being smashed into the wall, and an immense pain shoots through my arm.

“What did I do?” I splutter as loudly as I can, hoping that someone will hear me.

“You’re a fag,” One of them says, “we have to prove to you that we’re stronger than you, so you don’t attempt to rape us. That would only be embarrassing for you.”

“I would never!” I defend myself, feeling my eyes start to itch.

“Oh well,” the other one laughs, “we’re just making sure.”. He raises his knee and kicks me hard between the legs, before throbbing me in the face again.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” yells a familiar voice behind me.

“Perfect!” Kenneth yells, “another fag!”. I hear another body being slammed into the wall, and I try to stand up so I can help the poor victim, but I fail miserably. It’s only when I finally get enough willpower to turn and lie on the other side that I see that it’s Dan who’s now being beaten up. I give the whole standing-up-thing another attempt, and I’ve almost made it, but it’s too late. Dan is lying on the floor beside me, and Kenneth and Dennis are wandering off, laughing loudly.

Dan:

Have you ever wanted to fall into a dark pit and then wake up in a different home, in an unknown town, with a stranger’s life? Yeah? Well, imagine feeling that way all the time. Every morning I wake up to hateful looks, I go to school and am met by hateful looks, I get home and greet myself with a hateful look in the mirror. One day it’s the hair that’s wrong, the next it’s the eyes. Sometimes it’s the sexuality that’s the issue, sometimes it’s the grades. But most of the time, it’s everything. Everything, all at once. Right now, I hate the fact that I wasn’t quick or strong enough to stop the boys from hitting Phil.

I feel his motion beside me, and when I turn around I’m met by those hauntingly blue eyes that haven’t escaped my mind since I last got a chance to get lost in them.

“You alright?” I ask, hating myself for it. Of course, he isn’t.

“Yeah,” he lies and forces himself to sit up. I do the same, the pain increasing in my stomach where I was hit the hardest.

“Why’d they beat you?” I inquire. It’s stupid of me to ask. I know why he was targeted, I know why I was targeted, I know what he will now answer, I know that I will then feel awkward and have to give the explanation I dread.

“Because I’m gay,” he confirms what I’ve known for a month. Though it does have an effect on me, hearing him say it himself. He doesn’t blink, he doesn’t blush, he doesn’t stutter, and I wonder how it’s possible. To be so sure of who you are and of what you want. It’s crazy how indifferent heterosexual love and homosexual love is, but the crazier part is how it’s the fewest who get it. I often think about a world where there is never need to come out, a world where everyone can just love who they love without getting beaten up because of it. Not by the government, not by Kenneth and Dennis. Not by their step mum. Fuck, I have to tell him, don’t I?

“Why have you been avoiding me?” he asks directly, and my heart drops by the sound of the hurt in his voice. I’m glad he’s sitting beside me and not in front of me.

I’m about to say that I haven’t, but that would be a lie.

“Long story.”

“I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t deserve anyone ignoring you, ever!” I raise my voice.

“I meant I deserve an explanation but thank you,” he smirks. I blush deeply and try to find my calm. I could just tell him.

“Okay, I’ll tell you,” I begin, “but you have to promise not to hate me.”

“Obviously.”

“Okay, here goes—” but just then my phone buzzes in my pocket, and I see Zuri’s name on the display. Fuck.


	7. Explain

Dan:

“Please, just forgive me!” she pleads. “I miss you.”

I miss you too. But I can’t just tell her that. One thing is cheating on me, but after having Phil in my life… I don’t know, I feel like she’s in the past. Should she stay in the past, or should I let the person who was my only happiness in?

“Can we talk about this another time?” I suggest tiredly. I’m no longer sitting next to Phil. He left, saying he’d give me some privacy to talk, but that he wanted me to call him after school. It’s silly how I’m excited to talk to him again when the conversation we’re going to have probably will be the end of any relationship - friends or more - we could ever establish.

I hang up when Zuri agrees. Could I just stay here on the floor? Never feel again. Perhaps, I could become one with the ugly walls. I could sink into the floor, melt with concrete. But the bell rings, interrupting my thoughts, and I have to go to class.

I don’t consider how bloody and beat-up I must look until the principal is standing right in front of me.

“Daniel Howell,” she says with soft eyes, “come to my office.”

She couldn’t possibly twist this and make it my fault, could she? Even if she doesn’t, I sure as hell will be punished when I get home. I don’t even have time to wonder about where Phil is; I notice he’s already in the office. He tries to catch my eye, but I don’t cooperate, I don’t know why.

“Boys,” the principal, Miss Jensen, sighs when we’re all sat, “what happened? Did you get in a fight with each other?”

“No!” I immediately protest, earning a surprised look from the principal.

“Okay, okay, calm down.” She says. “Then what happened?”

I hear Phil sigh beside me, “Dennis and Kenneth beat us.”. Fuck. Why did he say that? We’ll only get in more trouble, now.

“Is that true, Daniel?”

I reluctantly nod.

“We’ll be calling your parents to come to pick you up, and we’ll take a serious talk with Dennis and Kenneth.”

“Please, don’t,” I mutter. I half want them to hear me, but I also don’t know what to do if they ask why.

“Why?” Miss Jensen frowns. “Do you have trouble at home?”

“No,” I say a little too quickly, “I can get home myself, it’ll only worry my dad if you call him.”

“It should worry him!”

“He lives close to the school, my mum can drop him off and he can do the explanations himself.” Phil offers. I could have kissed him. Miss Jensen agrees, and before we know it, we’re sat alone outside, waiting for Phil’s mum to pick us up. How the hell did we get here? And why is this beautiful, black-haired boy being so nice to me?

“Can you now tell me what happened? We have about twenty minutes before my mum is here.”

We’re sat on the grey staircase leading up to the entrance, cold wind plays with my curls and my hands are dry and pale. Phil looks empty. He’s not even close to having the happy spark he had when I first saw him, and I know that it’s partly my fault. All my fault.

“You told Louis you were gay,” I begin stupidly, “he told Dennis. Dennis told his dad.”

“Why?”

“Dennis dad is very religious – very anti-gay. He thought it best to inform all the parents so they had a chance to forbid their children from being friends with you.”

He looks at me, “and that’s what stopped you? Are your parents homophobic?”

“My step mum is.”

“But I thought…”

“You thought what?” I can’t help but feel a smile forming on my lips.

Phil looks away again, “that maybe you were…”

“I’m getting to it,” I shut him up, feeling a tinkling in my stomach. “My step mum obviously forbade me from being friends you, even though 1) she hates me, and 2) she doesn’t even know we hung out that day. Anyway, I told her that it wasn’t her decision to make, that it was ridiculous and so on.”

“But?”

“Then I told her I was bi, and she did not take that information well. My dad is very passive, and he just lets it happen when she hits me. You saw the bruises, but I didn’t want to worry you or make it worse for you. I thought the safest thing to do was to ignore you. I’m an idiot.”

Everything I dreaded is gone in a matter of seconds. It’s such a relief to get it out, to tell someone what has been bothering me. I turn to look at Phil whose eyes have gone wet.

“You should have told me before.” He says, almost in a whisper. “I could have helped you.”

“Fuck,” I bite my lip, “I knew I shouldn’t have told you. I knew it would make you sad.”

“I’m glad you told me.” I think he may have begun to reach for my hand but changed his mind. God, I wish he hadn’t changed his mind.

“That’s how it is, though, isn’t it?” I ramble, meeting his eyes, “Some stories are better left untold, right? Some things are better left not mentioned. If everyone has so much important to say and inform about, isn’t it just a waste of time to even try to make a change? People will never hear, never listen, no matter what. It’s all pointless, in the end, because we’re all just playing the protagonist in our own lives so we’re destined to not care for others, right?”. I’m definitely beginning to talk about something entirely different. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me feel safe enough to just let it out.

Phil:

One thing is absolutely clear to me; Dan has known sorrow beyond any other. He has known regret, and he has known loneliness. And at this moment I vow that pigs will fly before I don’t do whatever I can to make sure that he never feels this way again. He’s not alone anymore. Maybe no one is ever really alone, maybe there’s always something bigger that looks after you. And I don’t mean a god or anything else unprovable. No, I mean like the love of the people you haven’t met yet, but are out there. If you can’t keep living for yourself, then keep living for those who love you in advance. I remember when I first started considering this. I promised myself to love my reflection in the mirror, to love every inch of myself, because those who are supposed to love me haven’t got the chance yet. I tried to send all my thoughts to whoever I would be loving later in life. Trying to convince a faceless person that they were perfect. Yes, just because you haven’t met the people who you will love, and who will love you back, doesn’t mean they’re not out there, needing you. At this moment, I think I may have found the person I am meant to love.

“Can I ask you something?” I say, trying to shake the overwhelming feeling I just had. I’ve known this guy for a month, I couldn’t possibly KNOW yet. He nods to the ground.

“What was it that had happened that morning at the beginning of the school year? I asked you then but never got an answer. You looked so… so empty, and I honestly can’t get it out of my head.” I explain with honesty and hope he doesn’t feel intruded. “No pressure, it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it. Just know that you can.”

“It’s fine, I might as well tell you,” Dan sighs. Tired, brown eyes blink at me when he tells me how his girlfriend cheated on him. How she wants him back.

“You don’t deserve that,” I assure him, bravely reaching to pat his back. When he flinches, my heart drops. “You don’t deserve any of it.”

“That was my first thought,” he relaxes in his shoulders again, and I let my arm rest around him, “but then I thought, maybe I do.”

I want to protest. Scream at him that he doesn’t deserve to feel that way. I want to shield him from ever feeling this way again. I clench my jaw, close my eyes shut. I can’t cry now. My mum is on her way, and Dan needs someone stronger than him to be there for him. But it’s no use, and a tear slips out and glides down my face. When I open my eyes again I see unrested eyes, I see welcoming lips, I see soft skin. I see his shaking hand reaching to wipe away my tear.

“Phil!” We’re forced back to reality by my mum’s yell. “Are you alright? How bad is it?”

“I’m fine, mum,” I assure her, but of course she doesn’t believe it. She caresses my cheek, then looks at Dan.

“You must be Daniel.” she smiles worriedly. “You two look awful!”

“Where do you live?” my mum asks when we’re in the car. Dan answers with a small voice, resting his head on the window.

“Mum?” I frown, “Can’t we take him home and fix him up, and then drive him home afterwards?”

“Of course we can if that’s more convenient.” She smiles in the mirror.

“Thanks, but it’s really not necessary.” Dan looks at me, “I think it’s better if I go straight home.”

“You sure?” my mum says. “It’s really not an issue, we’re happy to help out. But your parents must be worried sick, aren’t they?”

“Yeah…” Dan sighs and looks out the window again, “probably.”

A lump grows in my throat. “Are you absolutely sure?”

This time he looks at me for a while. I get the sensation that he notices every single thing on my face as if he’s never going to see it again. He nods, “take me home.”


	8. Fuck

Dan:

I watch the car drive away when they’ve dropped me off at my place. It hurts a little, knowing that he didn’t insist on me going home with them. I know, I know, it’s not fair to think like that. But once, just once, I’d like to be fought for. It starts raining, and heavy drops fall on my face when I look up. Rain is normally an escape for me, but right now it just reminds me of Phil and his wholehearted attempt to make me feel better that day. The keys open my door, and silently I go to my room. I’m afraid to check if my dad and Caitlin are home, so I just pray that if they are they didn’t hear the door. My bed is a mess, and my cactus is dead. My fucking cactus. How does one kill a cactus? They’re like the hardiest plant in existence. The walls exude cold, and I doubt I’ll get warmed up by crawling under the covers. The heavy, black jacket weighs me down, and without thinking more I collapse on my bed. I think I cry, but I’m not quite sure. The next thing I know for sure is being woken up by my phone’s ringing. Something that resembles relief floods through me when I see Zuri’s name on the display.

“Hey,” I answer with a groggy voice.

“We really fucking need to talk.”

“I know.”

“Meet me in the shed outside my house,” she says. “Please.”

I give in, and I agree. Maybe it’s for the best. I think some people are meant to go through life and only feel superficial feelings, and maybe I’m one of them. In the past, I always assumed that life had something wonderful in store for me, that I just had to be patient. That’s the main reason why I never ended my misery before time. Trust me, it’s not because I haven’t been tempted. Now, I think maybe I was truly just meant to be with the first, the best. Maybe I was just meant to be with Zuri. I’m very forbearing, but now I cannot deny that I’m close to giving up or giving in.

It takes me less than five minutes to go to Zuri’s place, and she’s already waiting for me outside. She smiles sadly, and I feel a pain in my chest. Her body feels small and vulnerable when I hug her, and she sobs into my shoulder. I lift her head and kiss her. I don’t feel. Her kisses move down my neck, and she drags me inside the shed. Her hair is soft, and her cheeks are wet. We’ve done this so many times, it feels almost safe to do it again. But I also feel like I’m deceiving her. I feel like I’m deceiving myself. Outside, the sky is darkening.

“What time is it?” I ask, not noticing how off my mind has been the last couple of minutes.

“Kind of ruining the mood, Dan,” she breathes and stands up to meet my eyes. “It’s like seven or something.”

“I have to go.” This seems like a good time to make an excuse to leave.

“You can’t wait five more minutes?” she smiles mischievously and wraps her hands around my neck. I shake my head hard and escape from her grip. Something grows in my chest, and I have to get away before I figure out what it is. Zuri looks hurt and slightly offended, but I can’t get myself to care. The last thing I see before I turn the corner to her house is her buttoning up her shirt and wrapping a rubber band around her messy hair. Nice move, Zuri. Thanks for the “talk”.

I stop when I know I’m out of sight and let myself dump on the ground. With my arms curled around my shaky legs, I close my eyes. What the fuck, Daniel?

It rings in my pocket for the second time that evening, but I don’t answer. I’m sure it’s Zuri. When it rings the second time, I ignore it again, but the third time I get myself to at least check who it is. It’s Phil.

“Dan?” he sounds worried. Hearing him say my name is the thing that does it. The one thing that makes my lip tremble, and I allow my eyes to get watery.

“Yeah?” I try to steady my voice.

“Did it go alright with your step mum? She didn’t get too angry, did she?”. He sounds tired, and I can't help but feel my heart grow a little when I imagine him having just taken a nap. Maybe he's sitting all curled up in a chair with some tea. Maybe he's reading a book he really likes. Maybe he's been practising drawing. Maybe he has just cried and carved his skin in the shower. Maybe I don't know shit about anyone's lives because I'm too fucking selfish to care.

“I avoided them and snuck into my room, so I don’t know.”

“Do you need help? I want to help you.”

“No no, it’s alright.” I lie and he’s silent for a while, so I continue, “all I ever really wanted was to have someone to love, you know? And first I thought it had to be my dad because he’s my blood and all. Then, I thought I could force myself to care for Caitlin, but no. But I think it’s actually up to the individual person to find out who they want to love, regardless of family and circumstances.”

“You’ve found someone to love, then?” I can almost hear him smile through the phone, and suddenly I’m scared. I’m scared out of my fucking mind. I’m sitting on the fucking street, I almost just had sex with my childhood girlfriend, I’m sleep deprived, I’m in love with someone I barely know, I want to scream. I want to scream, I want to run away, I want to die.

“Yes.” I answer. Why the fuck?

“Who?” his voice is airy. I wonder what expression is painted on his face right now.

“Zuri.” I lie, “I think I’m gonna get back together with her. She really did make me feel happy, at times.”. Phil is silent again. “Thank you for everything, though,” I add.

“Of course,” now, Phil’s voice is the one that sounds groggy, “the offer still stands, though. If you ever need help, say the word and I’ll be there.”

He hangs up. I hate myself. My hair is clenched in my fist, and I try to rip out strings of hair. It hurts. I dig my nails into my palms. It hurts. I scratch the skin on my cheeks. It hurts. It starts raining again, and once more I’m reminded of that day with Phil. Fuck, I feel guilty. I pick up a twig and press it against a vein on my arm. It hurts. I deserve it. I deserve it all.

Phil:

Rain pours down, but I don’t find it calming like I normally do. Something inside me protests. Says I’m not allowed to be calm. I think it might be worry, but it also might be rage. More than anything, I think it’s how I feel when I feel lost. Lost isn’t something I’ve been many times, but I think this might be it. I feel lost, and I feel lonely, but I think the best way to describe it is that I’ve never felt this grey. It pangs in my chest when I hear the phone ring. Please, please let it be Dan. I pick up the phone, but I don’t recognise the number.

“Yeah?” I say heavily.

“Hey, it’s… it’s Dennis.”

Immediately, I sit straight up, my heart beating faster. I don’t know where the confidence comes from, but I take a deep breath and say, “What do you want?”.

“Eh…” he has a voice kind of like a frog’s, “it’s… I… I wanted to apologise, I think.”

I don’t really know how to feel. “Are you joking?”

“Why would I be joking?” he sounds sincere.

“Because you bloody beat Dan and me up. I think it’s pretty fair that I don’t trust you!”. I don’t want to be angry, and I’m normally not. But this guy beat Dan for trying to help me. Only a fool wouldn’t be angry.

“I’m dead serious, I swear,” he assures me. Something about his voice makes me believe him.

“Why the hell did you do it?” I inquire, my heart beating wildly in my stomach.

“I don’t fucking know,” he sighs, “I guess… nevermind. I just don’t know.”

“No, tell me why.”

“I kind of have a problem.”

“You think?” where is this attitude coming from? It’s not me.

“Please don’t laugh at me,” he sounds vulnerable. Why the hell am I feeling bad for him? “You know how Kenneth and I have been hanging around Louis, right? I’m pretty sure Louis is gay or something, and I just felt really fucking bad for him when Kenneth made fun of him, and I just wanted to help him and hold him and make him feel better. Then I thought I might be gay, but that’s just disgusting, isn’t it? Sure, people can do whatever they want, but I can’t be gay, can I? And then Kenneth said we had to beat you up, and I just went with it because I was really fucking scared he’d find out I was considering being gay, and I thought maybe I could just look at you and see if I was attracted to you, and then if I was then that’d mean I was gay. But then Dan came and stood up for you, and I felt really fucking jealous because no one has ever stood up for me like that, and Kenneth started beating Dan and I just joined him, most of all because I was angry with myself for being so pathetic. And I just think I really fucking love Louis, but I don’t want to be gay because Kenneth will hate me, and my dad is fucking homophobic, and I think I’m supposed to also be homophobic, but I’m just not. I don’t see why anyone shouldn’t be allowed to kiss who they want to kiss, most of all because I fucking fantasised about kissing Louis which is just crazy since he’s probably not even gay, even though I kind of got the gay vibe, but I don’t have a good intuition, and I also think Louis might like you, but then there’s Dan who probably also likes you, and then I thought maybe I could be with Louis, but then Kenneth would just hate me again, and he’s my only friend and---“

“Stop!” I interrupt. I think I started smiling during his speech, most of all because I’m glad he’s being honest. Something like anger still boils inside me, and my mind is working hard on progressing everything he just said. I don’t think this is what my priority should be, but I say, “why do you think Dan likes me?”.

Louis makes an odd sound that I don’t what means. “I don’t know, just… I think so.”

I push my own problems aside, and start somewhere else, “Dennis, if you’re gay, you’re gay, and that’s really not a bad thing at all. Life is really long, and the world is really big, and you’re going to find people who accept you even if they’re not in your life right now. Kenneth is a dick, and I honestly thought you were a dick as well which you still kind of are, but you seem capable of change. I don’t know if Louis is gay, but hey, it’s great that you’re experiencing how it is to be in love. It sucks, but it’s great. Gay isn’t really a choice, so you can’t say that you’re considering being gay, either you are or you aren’t.”

“Thanks, Phil,” he says and goes quiet for a while. “I think you should talk to Louis; I know he’s also sorry for not warning you properly.”

“I will.” I assure him, “and hey, Dennis?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for not updating for a long time, life has just been happening but yeah. I won't update for the next three weeks since I'll be travelling, just so you know I'm not dead. Thanks for reading!!!


	9. Fog

Phil:

It feels like I’m wandering through a fog in the rest of the week. I don’t have a goal; I don’t know where I’m going from here. Kenneth and Dennis were suspended for a week, so I didn’t even get a chance to talk to Dennis about whether or not he’d figured something out. I’ve procrastinated talking to Louis, I don’t want to see him. Instead, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to process my anger with him. He knew I was going to be beaten up. He knew that so many of the parents hate me because I’m gay. He knew, he knew, he knew. But, if he really is gay himself, then he had some reason, hadn’t he?

Then there’s Dan. I know I’m not being fair when I ask this, but when will he care about me? I’ve made him sure that I’ll be there for him so many times, why doesn’t he ask me if I’m okay? Was I just a tool to him? I’m not important now since he’s not hurting. Is it selfish of me to wish he would need me?

It’s Sunday again, and my mum is in the kitchen. I’m in the living room. Tomorrow, it’ll be Monday. The worst of the days.

“Phil?” My mum enters with a bowl of popcorn and two cups of tea on a tray. “Do you want to watch some TV? It’s been a while since we’ve done something together.”

I think I might cry. She knows something isn’t right, I’m sure of it. But she doesn’t mention it, she knows that I will come to her if I need her help. Instead, she suggests the thing that will make me temporarily happy. Food, TV, and mum. I nod.

We watch a silly cartoon that I’ve always loved, we joke and laugh, and I it’s like all the worries have gone. I hug her goodnight and go to my room to find my phone has exploded with texts and calls from Louis. Without bothering to look at them, I fall asleep, hoping that Monday will disappear and I’ll wake up to another weekend.

It’s my mum’s turn to drive Louis and me. I didn’t really think it through when I avoided looking at his texts, I think, as I enter the car.

“You didn’t answer my texts,” he blames me right away, apparently not minding that my mum hears.

“It was late when I saw them, I thought you might as well tell me now”, I say truthfully, avoiding my mum’s eyes in the mirror.

“Well, we have to talk!” he says. Why now, Louis? Why do you have to bring this up now? I haven’t told my mum about all the stuff with either Dan or Louis, and the last thing I want is her finding out this way.

“Later, okay?” I say, hoping Louis can hear the anger, but my mum can’t. It’s probably not working, so I pluck in my headphones and ignore him for the rest of the drive, thinking of Dan. I really don’t want to go to school.

As soon as my mum drives away, Louis begins again. “Phil. Now!”

“What is it you want to talk about then? About how you didn’t tell me anything about either the beating or the mails, huh? Do you want to tell me how you’ve been the lousiest friend in existence? What is it you’re dying to tell me?” I really wish I could argue without tears forming in my eyes, but I just can’t. Louis motions towards me, almost as if he wants to hug me, but I move before he gets the chance.

“I’m fucking sorry,” Louis says, not minding that we’re surrounded by people.

Dan:

I hate who I’ve become. I hate me. I hate Dan Howell. I’ve done this too many times; I get too fucking close to someone, and then they either leave or I avoid them because I’m a coward, and then I turn cold again. Cold to the very bone.

My head is buried in my arms that are laying on the table. The teacher is rambling, and I’m thinking of Phil. I try to wiggle my head a little so that maybe I can watch him out the corner of my eye. He’s looking in my direction, but I can’t tell if it’s a coincidence that he’s looking right at me or if he’s purposely staring at me. My money is on the latter since he blushes and looks away when I catch his eye. Fuck, why is he so adorable? It’s fucking impossible to be stone-cold and emotionless when I’m forced to look at his eyes every day. “Oh, but Dan you don’t have to look at his eyes just because they’re there.” “You think I can help it, you fool.”. Great, now I’m arguing with myself. Fuck.

“Daniel!” our teacher says firmly, and the girl next to me nudges me in the ribs.

“What?” I raise my head, feel my face going red, and hear the class snigger.

“I asked you to read the last page of the short-story out loud!” she sounds stern, but not angry. I gulp and shake my head. She won’t accept it and continues: “I didn’t ask if you wanted to, I’m telling you that you have to.”

My hands are shaky when I try to find the right page. I start to read out loud, but I do it quietly and I hear more people laugh. I mispronounce a word, and they laugh some more. Fuck, I just want my life to end. The bell rings and I escape the classroom. I think someone follows me out, but I don’t notice who until we’re both standing in the otherwise empty bathroom.

“Dan, you have to talk to me,” Phil looks tired, “you can’t keep avoiding me. You can’t keep doing this.”

“Why do you insist on trying to fix me?” I don’t know if I yell or whisper, all I know is that my teeth feel sharp.

“I just want to help you,” he sounds even more tired than he looks.

“No, you fucking don’t want to.” I definitely don’t whisper, “I’m a literal mess, and you only want to help me to feel better about yourself. Don’t you think I’ve tried this before? Don’t you think people have pretended to care for me only to ditch me when I started feeling safe?”

“Shut up!” Now, Phil is the one raising his voice, “shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”. His arms move awkwardly, and his legs tremble. With tears down his face, he looks so fragile I’m afraid he might break. Fuck, I hate myself so much. But I do as he says and shut up.

“You have to listen to me now!” he takes a step forward, “you’re being incredibly unfair, all the time, but I don’t just give up. I know there’s a guy in there who really, really wants to be happy. But I just think there’s a stronger guy who stops him, and who tells you that you don’t deserve to be happy. I think you need help to kill the stronger guy, but I think he has convinced you not to ask for it. But you know what kind of guys I’ve had inside me? I’ve had the strong guy, and I’ve had the weak guy, but not anymore. I haven’t killed the strong guy completely, but I’ve made him smaller than the one who wants me to be happy. I’ve let the self-love-guy win the battle. And you know what that guy did? He gave birth to the compassion-guy. Compassion-guy really wants me to help defeat the strong, self-loathing-guy that lives inside of you, Dan! You just have to let me help you.”

Now, I’m the one trying not to cry. With a deep breath, I attempt to smile. “That… Was the literally most fucked up perfect metaphor for anything I’ve ever heard in my entire life”. I think now would be the perfect time to give Phil a hug, but I don’t. Most of all because the bell rings, and I know we shouldn’t be late for class. Phil isn’t laughing, and he isn’t smiling. He just locks eyes with me as a way to tell me that “we’re not done with this conversation” before he walks out of the bathroom. I turn to face the mirror, and I don’t even try to suppress a smile. I recognise all the things I’ve always hated, but this time I manage to brush it off by muttering, “bloody self-loathing guy.”

Phil:

I manage to catch Dan attention for the second time that day. Our last class has just ended, and I feel a need to finish my conversation with him. Maybe with a little less mention of moody guys giving birth to other moody guys.

“Yeah?” he turns around, and I see his face tense up when he sees that it is I who grabbed his arm.

“Can we talk later? Can we meet somewhere? You can go to my place or something?” I’m feeling brave, but now is time, and I have to get this over with. No more walking in fog.

“Come to my place then!” He suggests, and he looks about as shocked over the suggestions as I imagine I do.

“Really?”

“Yes.” He assures me, “my dad and Caitlin shouldn’t be home for another three hours, so you can stay over until then.”. It’s incredible how many different personalities hide behind those warm eyes.

“You coming?” Louis calls from the door where he’s stood, waiting for me.

“He’s going home with me!” Dan yells back loudly, sounding almost proud. I think I might be smiling like an idiot.

“Really, Phil?” Louis looks at me and frowns, “I thought we could get a chance to talk?”

“I’ll call you later!” I tell him. I’m weirdly excited to see Dan’s place, even though I know I probably should be mad at him. Dan leads the way, and we walk in silence until we’ve turned the corner to his street and no one is around.

“I’m the worst person, aren’t I?” he suddenly says, looking anywhere but at me.

“No?” I say stupidly, not knowing how to answer.

“I’ve been a jerk towards you.”

“Yeah, you have,” I agree, “but I’ll obviously forgive you.”

“I know it hurt,” he stops and looks at me, “I’ve felt lonely for so fucking long, Phil? And it’s not like I just started feeling lonely, I’ve been feeling lonely and miserable since I learned to walk. I’ve felt so fucking lonely that I thought it was just how everyone was supposed to feel, it became my only reality, so when you came along and showed me that it doesn’t have to be lonely to live, I got scared that I’d get too close to you and then get hurt, and that was fucking selfish. I’m sorry.”

He takes a deep breath and continues to walk. I really want to kiss him.

“Did you actually get back together with Zuri?” I bravely ask, praying to everything that he says no.

“No.”

“Good.”

“Why’s it good?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe I should get back together with her,” he wonders out loud. “At least she was there for me.”

“I was there for you?” I can’t help but protest. “Saying otherwise really isn’t fair. I would have dropped everything to help you.”

“But you didn’t, did you? That day we got beat up, right? I wanted to fucking kill myself, and Zuri distracted me. Not you. Zuri.”

I hate being treated like this, and I hate not being able to consistently tell him to bugger off. “You’re right. You’re right, I should have insisted on taking you home.”. We’ve reached his house by now, but just before he opens the door, he stops again. He looks at me again, and his eyes go soft again.

“Fuck,” now his eyes are teary, “fuck. I don’t know why I am like this, okay? Of course, you would have fucking helped me, it’s me who haven’t been there for you. Fuck, I’m so, so sorry!”. I think I’m actually about to reach out and do something I'd regret, but my phone rings and the display reads Louis.

“Phil?” Louis sounds panicky, “Phil, listen to me!”

“Make it short.”

“I fucking love you!” he yells, “I am so fucking in love with you! I’ve been such a dick, and it’s just because I love you.”

“Yeah”, I breath, “I’m gonna have to call you back.”

I hang up. My heart is escaping my chest, I’m sure of it.

“Who was that?” Dan asks with a frown and finally opens the door. We’re in his hallway when I answer.

“Louis,” I say to Dan’s back as he takes off his shoes. “He kind of just told me he’d only been such a jerk because he’s in love with me.”

Dan’s eyes are wild when he turns to look at me.


	10. Blood

Dan:

“Well, how do you feel about him?” I avoid Phil’s eyes. Fuck. I have to act casual, haven’t I? I can’t just go right ahead and tell him that I don’t want him to be with Louis. It wouldn’t be fair, and oh boy have I been unfair enough towards him.

“I don’t know.”

We’re sat in my room, on the floor. I don’t know why I don’t care that he sees my musical posters, my open notebooks, my dirty socks, or my stuffed bear.

“How can I help you figure it out?” I ask, not able to restrain myself from trying to figure out the look on his face.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want my opinion?”

Phil’s eye twinkles, “I don’t know.”

I breathe in, “I think you deserve someone who isn’t a twat.”

“Why do you think he’s a twat?”

“You just said he had been a jerk to you?” I am so, so afraid to cross some line, but I also want him to know how I feel.

“He has, but…” Phil's eyes are distant as if deep in thought, “he’s also been really nice to me, and that’s not something that often happens.”

My stomach twists and turns.

“But he also made you sad, didn’t he? I don’t know exactly what he did, but I know he’s made you feel lonely. I know he’s made you feel like you were fighting alone, and you don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who knows your worth, and who fights for you.” I’m not talking about Louis anymore. “Anyone who doesn’t acknowledge how much you do, and how much you help, they aren’t worthy of your affection. Anyone who doesn’t realise that you’re both the strongest and most pure-hearted soul alive isn’t worth your time. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you doubt that you’re lovable, not even for a second.”.

Phil has moved his eyes to me, and I’m more confused than ever as to what to read his expression as. I think I look pathetic and vulnerable, but I can’t get myself to give a damn. All that matters right now is that I get Phil convinced of how much he’s worth. How he deserves better than Louis. How he deserves better than me. He takes his phone and dials the number. My fingers are shaking, and I give him a questioning looks which he doesn’t meet.

“Hey,” he says in a somewhat loving voice. My heart sinks; of course, he’s going to be with Louis. Of fucking course.

There is silence, but then Phil talks again. “I can’t be with you.”

I can hear Louis rage through the phone, and I see Phil looking both relieved and scared, but what I notice most of all is the wide smile growing on my own lips. I try to stop it, but I can’t. When Phil notices, I see an even bigger one spread on his.

“Partly.” Phil answers to something Louis has just yelled. His smile becomes bigger. What? I mouth, but I don’t get an answer. Louis yells some more and I only catch words like Fuck and Love and Fair.

The conversation ends, and my heart is compete-running against my mind as to what the hell I do now.

“He didn’t take it well, I presume,” I ask, taking the safe route, as usual.

“He didn’t.” Phil agrees and smiles again. “Thank you.”

Phil:

I’m not going to tell Dan that when I answered “partly” the question had been “It’s Dan, isn’t it?”. I’m not going to tell Dan how fast my heart is beating. I’m not going to tell Dan that I want to touch his hair and form his cheekbones with my lips.

“Okay, that was all very dramatic and all,” Dan laughs, “do you want some tea or something?”

I nod and when Dan goes to the kitchen to make some, I get a chance to sneak around in his room. Respectfully, obviously. My throat tightens when I see a photo of a woman holding a baby. It must be his mother; I recognise the warmth in the woman’s eyes. If I didn’t have a little voice inside me to tell me that Dan doesn’t like me, I’d run downstairs and hug the ever-loving crap out of him. He deserves so much more than what he’s had. I force my eyes away from the photograph and I spot an open notebook. Am I just the worst in the world if I look at it? I won’t touch it, and he can’t technically blame me since he was the one who left an open notebook, lying around.

\-- I no longer gasp for air

I let myself drown

I no longer run after the light at the end of an otherwise endless tunnel

I no longer shout for help

I let myself die --

I hear a crash from downstairs. In a matter of seconds, I’ve jumped the stairs.

“Fuck, Dan! What happened?” There’s blood running from a deep cut in his arm. Shattered glass is surrounding him. He doesn’t answer, he just looks down on the cut with foggy eyes. And then, suddenly, things start going fast. I dial the number of the hospital. I wrap a tablecloth around the wrist that is now soaked in dark fluids. I get Dan safely out the door, making sure he doesn’t hurt his feet on the pieces of glass that are sprinkled all over the floor. A way too small car arrives, and nurses that look way too happy step out. Don’t they understand how serious this is? I yell at them to hurry, but they don’t. They look at me as if I am merely a stupid child. They ask if I want to go to the hospital to get him stitched up as if that wasn’t obvious. Dan has a vague smile on his lips, one that shouldn’t be on someone who just got their arm cut open. We’re in the car. We’re at the hospital. We’re in a waiting room. I’m at the counter, begging them to hurry. We’re in a clean room where a nurse asks me to look away as he fixes Dan’s arm. I don’t look away. I watch the needle go in and out and in and out until the nurse finally makes the last knot and hands Dan a cloth “just in case it starts bleeding again”.

“Just come to get me if anything happens!” the nurse tells me, and just before heading out the door to leave us alone, he adds, “And, Dan, we will call your dad.”

The door closes, and Dan and I are alone.

“Did you ask them to call my dad?”

I shake my head, thankful that he’s talking. It was starting to worry me.

“I don’t want him to come”, Dan adds, looking at me. His eyes are overflowing with worry.

“It’ll be fine, I promise,” I say even though I have no way of knowing for sure. Is now the time I squeeze his hand to make him sure I mean it?

I can almost hear my mind trying to cook up something to say or do to make him feel better. Before I can say anything, Dan’s mischievous smirk makes an appearance:

“You cried.”

I feel my cheeks warm up, but manage to answer, “You didn’t.”

“You said fuck.”

“Did not!”

“Did!”

Steadiness finds it’s way back to my body, as I’m sat there talking so freely with Dan. I don’t want to bring up the notebook, but damn was it depressing to read.

“Lemme see the stitches!” I order, reaching for his hand, most of all as an excuse to get to touch him. Reluctantly, he obeys. I run my fingers over the soon-to-be scar, and I feel the knot return. I’m not supposed to be crying for god’s sake, he is.

“Now, lemme compare to the other!” I give another order. I have to see his whole and healthy wrist. Even more reluctantly, he obeys again. Tears form in my eyes for real, when I notice that this wrist is no better. If anything, this wrist is worse. This wrist’s bruises are self-made. There are newly made cuts and year-old scars. There are ones with newly solidified blood, and some so old they’re barely visible. Dan’s eyes are on my face; I can feel it. Just when I’m about to say something, my phone beeps.

“Dan, I—” but the phone beeps again. His lip curves in an almost-smile.

“I don’t—” I try again, but I get another text.

“Just check it.” He frees his wrists from my half-sweaty hands, and I do as he says, and check the display. It says I have three unread messages from Louis.

'You gotta understand how much better I am than him I love you phil hes pathetic'

'Ffs phil answer me or istg you dont know whats coming'

'Okay you know what you really fucking suck just call me ok'

Just when my eyes have scanned the last sentence, another one ticks in.

'You might as well see this as a threat'

Attached is a photo, and at first I can’t see what the hell it’s supposed to be. But then I recognise the window to my room, the blue curtains, and the lit, scented candle on the windowsill. I see myself, with my back to the camera. I must be changing clothes, I think, I’m naked. What is this about? Why the heck did he take a photo of me, naked, changing in my room?

“What is it?” Dan asks when he notices my frown.

“Nothing!” I don’t want to worry him, so I make an excuse and leave the room. Quickly, I find a quiet space - the men’s bathroom - and call up Louis.

“Well, well,” he begins and I immediately feel hatred boiling inside me, “you decided to be gay with me after all, didn’t you?”

“What in the world could possibly make you think that?” I sneer.

“Because,” Louis’ voice is slow and I can hear him smirking through the phone. “if you don’t I might accidentally share this picture with—“

“You go do that!” I am very careful not to raise my voice, “I don’t care, okay? I don’t give the tiniest of shits about your threats. You’re pathetic, can’t you see that?”

“Language, Philip.” I hate him for being able to remain calm. Tears may have returned so I hang up the phone and before I know it, I am sobbing violently. I guess it’s fortunate that no one is in here, but honestly? I couldn’t care less. Let them see me fucking cry. Dan’s blood is still on my shirt. Fragile, confusing, beautiful, good Dan who deserves no hurt but has gotten it all. How could he look at himself and then want to hurt what he saw? How could anyone? And Louis… Louis, who I gave my heart so mindlessly. Who I gave my time and my patience, and, then, what did I get in return for being honest?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, bad chapter, life got in the way of productivity


End file.
